On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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