I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
