Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
