my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
