Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
