I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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