Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
