Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
