just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
