I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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