I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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