Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
