I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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