I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
