Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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