only if we run a train.
done.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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