i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
