life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize