dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
