awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
