the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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