i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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