I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
