I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
