I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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