Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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