I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
