You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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