That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
