he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
