I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
