i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
