We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
