I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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