I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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