I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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