Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
