Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
