I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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