I wish my penis had an off switch
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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