he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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