I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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