I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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