i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just high enough for therapy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
