I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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