Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
