Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize