i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
