ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize