At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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