Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
