What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i drank out of a bidet.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
