i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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