I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
