Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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