What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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