you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
