...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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